TW: heterosexual sex + relationships
Words by AmeliA CONWAY
Art by Abi Bruce
The other day I became enthralled in a facebook debate between two young women, arguing about the recent Aziz Ansari case written about on babe and the woman Grace* who had chosen to tell her story. Whilst one woman stated this was sexual assault, the other said it was merely an example of bad sex. Just one of those terrible one night stands we’d all rather forget. In these ‘grey area’ issues it can be difficult to know what to think. When it is no longer a legal issue but a moral one, it is easy to see why there would be room for discussion. But to class this form of sexual coercion as simply ‘bad sex’ seems baffling to me.
To my surprise I open this weeks Grazia magazine and Jane Mulkerrins has written a double page spread on this very same argument. That this was a case of not speaking up about what she wanted. That by stripping down to her undies and allowing him to perform oral sex on her, that basically meant sex was on the cards. Sex she didn’t really want. Sex she made clear she didn’t want when she asked him to slow things down (a request he accepted, then ignored).
But for a moment I thought to myself, that despite whatever it is I believe went on here, some people, some women, really do think this was just bad sex. And if that really is that case I began to think – don’t we deserve good sex?! And shouldn’t we start respecting the feelings of someone who has been brave enough to come out into a public space to say she felt violated?
Women deserve sex with men who don’t view forceful violent sex as standard. Sex with men who haven’t learnt their trade from years of misogynistic porn. Sex with men who don’t use women as a human fleshlight. We all deserve sex with partners who are present and passionate and definitely DTF. Consent is sexy. Mutual respect for one another’s bodies is sexy. You know what’s not sexy? Forcing someone’s head toward your crotch (You might get off on that mate, but I can promise you she isn’t). And as for all those speaking out against Grace, saying hurtful things and putting her story down as something minor, I think it’s important to remember that no one should invalidate another person’s lived experience. What was a two on the pain scale for one person is a ten for someone else.
I don’t doubt more stories like this one are going to come out. And when they do countless women and men will denounce them as simply tales of bad sex. But I ask again, don’t we all, men and women deserve respectful, consensual, passionate, loving, kinky sex?